AyPee's Funteresting Blog

"Create your own adventure because experience is all there is. (c)" AyPee

Beauty is only skin deep

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

Hot sexy lipsAfter the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.   There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling”, he replied, "think nothing of it.  I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

source various


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Wise observations for a Monday

  1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
    and beat you with experience

  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list 

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Putting your foot in it alone

Once upon a time there was a chap, who after a bitter divorce, became very lonely and so he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted an unusual pet to keep him company.
After much discussion, he decided on a centipede, which he immediately named Carl. It came with a little white box which could be used as its house.

Centipede iStock_000018779056XSmallHe took the box home and found a good location for it, and decided that he would start off by taking his new friend to the pub to have a drink. So he peeked into the opening on the box and said "Hey Carl, would you like to nip down to the pub for a beer?"

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Legal Research

RatLawyerHiRes


At a weekend convention of biological scientists, Hannah, a researcher remarks to Pam,
'Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?'

'Really?' Pam replies, 'Why did you switch?'

'Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them,' chortled Hannah.

Source Various

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Seeing eye to eye

From Will and Guy's Funny Clean Jokes at www.guy-sports.com

Roger left for work on Friday morning.  Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

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Easter is Happening

An amusing tweet I received from my tweet pal ‘KP’

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All at See

A Pirate walks into his favourite Inn.
He hadn’t been there in a while but the Innkeeper notices him and says:
"Haven't seen ya in a while, where ya been? You look terrible!"

"Aye?" said the pirate, "What do you mean?"

Pirate Skull and Paraphernalia iStock_000016885278XSmall"You've got a wooden leg! What happened?" said the bartender.

"Well," said the pirate, "Our ship was in a fierce sea battle, and me leg got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now"

"And what about that hook? Where’s your hand gone?" asked the bartender.

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook... but I'm fine, really"

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "A flock of birds flew over. I looked up to see what they were and got hit by their droppings. Hit me right in the eye!"

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from that"

"It was me first day with the hook"

 

 

Source joke various

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Imploration

A husband is driving his car;  his wife sitting next to him, when suddenly, he hears a police siren.

A police car pulls in front of his car and he instructed to stop.The Policeman exits his car, comes up to the husband’s window and asks him to get out of his car.

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Beauty is only skin deep

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

Hot sexy lipsAfter the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.   There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling”, he replied, "think nothing of it.  I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

source various

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Investment in the Future?

salvador-dali-mustacheAn artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news" the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings"

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Pub life

Bar room door glass iStock_000015977274XSmallA man walks into a bar and asks the bar man for a pint.

Whilst the bar man is pours the pint, he sees a dish full of peanuts sitting on the counter. As he looks, the peanuts say to him “you’re nice”. The man, surprised by what he just heard, sinks down into a seat next to the cigarette machine. As he does so , the cigarette machine says to him “you’re horrible”

Astonished by what he just heard, he tells the bar man,  who explains:

“That’s ok sir, the peanuts are always complementary and the cigarette machine is out of order”

source various

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A Snail's Pace

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

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Friendship

iStock_000001434367XSmall Man in Jail looking sideways through bars

 

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Beneviolent Law

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

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Lost Senior Citizen

I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out.  I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

   He told me, “I have a 22 year old wife at home.  She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee”

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Jigsaw from Hell?

image A woman calls her boyfriend for help with a killer jigsaw puzzle. She just can't figure out how to get it started.

Himageer boyfriend asks: "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The woman says: "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."She shows him the puzzle spread all over the table.

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The Boss

from jokesgallery.com amongst others

A manager was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss".
He then taped it to his office door.

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Oh well, I asked

Facebook 25th September

image
Arthur Partridge
I am overdue to post a joke to my blog. Would anybody like to guest blog one?
CLEAN PC please!

Matt Partridge Two cannibals eating a clown, one turns to other and says 'does this taste funny to you?' Boom boom tsch!!

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Ford Siesta

dreamstime_l_7429494
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving

~ Unknown

 

source various

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Mature Wine

cartoon[1]
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age.

The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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